Just Friends

My friends tried to tell me.  They told me that guys don't want to be "just friends."  But Danny had been my friend and I didn't want to lose that even if we couldn't date anymore.  So I told him I would be there if he needed me.  Unfortunately he never actually read the whole email--just the first part.

So when he came to pick his goat up from our house a few weeks later, he didn't come in.  I was right in the middle of baking some cookies, so I couldn't go out, but I could hear his voice at the door.

And then when I read on Facebook (no, I never unfriended him, since being friends was my whole goal) that his friend was going through a hard time, I commented reminding him that if he needed to talk about it, I would listen.  I know, I'm a girl, okay!

Then a tsunami hit Hawaii and I wasn't sure if his brother was safe or not.  So I asked.

I didn't get any response.  Now, mind you, each of these incidents happened about a month apart.  Then one day he was on Facebook at the same time I was on.  I hit the IM button and asked if I could talk to him for a minute.  His response was, "Do you really talk like that?"

Ahem.  Excuse me?  I can talk for only a minute.  It may not happen often, but it could happen.  I told him that.  Turns out he only meant did I talk so formally.  I asked about his brother, his friend, and his sick dog.  He answered my questions but nothing more.  I was fine with those answers and the end of the entire relationship, even the friendship part.

Then right before Spring Break (it's now March 2010), he called me.  Randomly.  Out of the blue.  Lauren and I were getting ready to go to San Diego for the week for a whirlwind sisters trip.  And then he called.  We talked for a few minutes, but it got me thinking.

The first time I saw him after we broke up was in May.  He called me again and told me he had to have his dog Olwen put to sleep that day.  He wanted to come over and was checking to see to if I was busy.  I said no.  He said he'd be there in about 15 minutes.  Not bad considering he lives 45 minutes away.  He came over and we planted broccoli while we talked about Olwen.

After that he'd come have dinner with my family about once a month.  Then in the fall the time kept increasing.  We discussed what had happened in our relationship and he apologized.  I made sure he knew we weren't back to where we had left off.  He understood.  We were just friends.

Only I didn't know that guys don't want to be just friends remember?  So while I thought we were just friends, he had ulterior motives.  We started hanging out more and more.  Just as friends.  He spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family.  Just as friends.  Then he went ice skating with Josh, Lauren and I for my first time.  Later that night it was just he and I.  He was telling me about a girl he had met at a party recently.  I told him he should ask her out on a date.  He stopped and said he didn't want to ask her out, he wanted to ask me out.

Danny reading the Christmas story.

Danny and I as I was just starting out. 
My whole goal was not to fall and Danny and Josh made sure I didn't!

WHAT?!  We were JUST FRIENDS!

I didn't know what to do with that information.  I had been trying not to let myself think about the possibility of a relationship again.  I told him I would need time to think about it.  He told me that he had messed things up and would be willing to wait for me until I had an answer.  It took me a little time, but I did come up with an answer...but that's another story.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Those people closest to me know that for me to stop talking is rare.  My mom says I started talking at around 10 months ("HI!" was my first word by the way) and haven't stopped since.  When I was little she would ask me to give her ears a break.  At this point in our relationship, Danny will tell you that I stop talking when I'm upset about something.  But usually, that's about it.

So, when I say that "we" stopped talking I really mean that communication stopped.  November was going along smoothly and we were planning on having Danny and his parents over to my parent's house for Thanksgiving dinner.  By this point I had met his whole family (minus one brother and family) and he had met my whole family (minus my brother but including my grandparents).

A couple of days before Thanksgiving things just started becoming strange.  Neither of us really know what happened.  We were talking about the relationship progressing and moving towards marriage, and then--nothing.  It made for a rather awkward Thanksgiving.  A few days after that when I called, my call wasn't returned.

We had a little bit of a talk about how Danny was feeling.  Now, mind you, when you meet Danny you don't really know him.  If you meet him once, you can't say, "Oh, yeah.  I know Danny."  You can only say that you've met him.  He's like an onion, or a cake, or a parfait even (note I said onion and not ogre!).  He has layers upon layers upon layers.  And he doesn't get close to just anyone.  But he was starting to get close to me.

My pastor and I had talked about how I was doing during this whole first time dating thing and he recommended that Danny and I take about a week apart to pray and detox to see if we should continue with our relationship.

All of this was pretty much happening simultaneously.  We had talked about how Danny was feeling.  We had talked about Pastor Cody wanting us to take a break.  So when we stopped talking, I thought maybe I was confused about when our break would start.  I think I even asked Pastor Cody to email Danny and find out if we were on our prayer break or not.  :)  After the email, Danny called me and we talked for a little bit.  Then he got sick within the next few days and I was working all the time.  By now it was December and I was getting ready for Christmas.

I start my Christmas shopping early.  I like to be done before November, but at least by December.  So, I already had the perfect Christmas gift for Danny--something he had mentioned he wanted when we were at a store together.  My mom had also spun and dyed some of his sheep wool and I had knit the yarn into a beanie.  I was set for his Christmas presents.

Then there were no calls at all.  Not even on Christmas.  A few days after Christmas my family was in Bend returning stuff.  We drove by his house and I dropped off all of the stuff that he had at my house: sunglasses, the beanie, and anything else that belonged to him.  I took the other present back.  He really didn't say much to me at all.  He was mostly surprised to see me at his house.

We talked on the phone a few times after that.  I gave him until January 11, 2010 to talk to me or make some effort in our relationship.  He didn't know this was his deadline, but I had to set one or I would have let the break-up drag on even longer.  By January 11th there was still no contact with him.  I sent him a break-up email explaining how I felt.  I ended it with something about being willing to be friends if he wanted.  I didn't know that guys don't want to be "just friends"...but that's another story.

I Wanna Hold Your Hand, I Wanna Hold Your Hand

So I guess technically Danny held my hand before asking to court me and I had laid down all the ground rules.  But I don't think it counted.  Danny, our friend, Erin, and I had just finished watching "I Can Do Bad All By Myself" at the Old Mill.  We were headed back to Erin's to watch more movies, and I was riding there with Danny.  He had parked in front of the Otter Run house and while we were walking along the path he veered off all of a sudden and grabbed my hand to drag me with him.  I think that particular hand holding was more so that I wasn't wandering along the river on my own, since I had no idea where I was going but was plowing ahead anyway.

This is almost exactly where the "grab and drag" happened.  It was right at that black fence actually.

The real hand holding took place Sunday, October 18, 2009.  I had gone to church at his church since he had previously come to mine.  We went out to lunch and then went walking at Shevlin Park.  Somewhere along the path there were these pamphlets about the plants and such that we would be seeing.  I picked one up and flipped through it.  Danny always talks about the plants wherever we go, so I put it back.  He asked if I needed it and I told him, "No, I have my own tour guide."  Somewhere in there he grabbed my hand and started leading me down the path.  I'm not sure if we had inter-digitation or not, but it definitely counted as holding hands.  We walked that way until he found a huge pine tree which he led me to so that I could smell the bark.  It turns out that that particular pine's bark smells like vanilla (and no, it's not the only pine tree I've smelled).

I can't remember if we held hands again during that walk or not.  After that we got a coffee downtown and then he walked me back to my car.  It was only then that I found out he still had to go load some irrigation pipe so he could take his dad's trailer back to him. 

After that we didn't just all of a sudden hold hands all the time.  Sometimes we did when we were watching TV or something like that, occasionally while we were walking, but not all the time.  Actually, it was only about a month after this that we stopped talking at all...but that's another story.

The Beginning of a Good Thing

There was a full moon the beginning of October 2009.  I'm pretty sure it fell on the 2nd, but I would have to double check my journals.  I also think it may have been a Friday, or it could have been a Saturday, but my memory has been known to fail me a couple times in the past. 

It was a full moon though, of that I am sure.  And Danny and I were in Redmond--the parking lot in front of the yarn store to be exact.  I'm also sure of that.  Redmond is halfway between Culver and Bend so it's a good meeting spot for us.

We had gone to dinner at Fiesta Mazatlan and then driven back to my car in the Erickson's parking lot.  (I still call it that even though Erickson's has been closed for a few years).  We were sitting and talking and Danny had to go to the bathroom.  I could see a 24 hour restaurant in the mirror so I suggested we go there.  We started walking and Danny saw a gas station that was still open so we headed in that direction instead since he was now thirsty as well.  (Yes, life with Danny is often like If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.)  We finished at Circle K and walked a different way back to the cars, which happened to be past my favorite antique shop.  We stopped to peek in the windows and I pointed out all the flowery, girly things that I loved in there.

Back at the cars we stood outside talking.  Danny was very thirsty.  Then he started talking about the moon.  He said it had been about a month since he had pointed out the last full moon and taught me to find the North Star.  During that time he had spent a lot of time with my family and I.  He knew that I was someone heading in the same direction he was and that wanted a lot of the same things he did.  Then he asked if he could court me.

I was reaching into my backseat when he asked, so I was sitting and kind of twisted around.  I turned to face him and asked what he meant by courting.  His definition was basically dating with the purpose of determining if we were meant to get married.  I explained the rest of the rules: 1) There would be no kissing.  2) I didn't want to hold hands until after we were engaged.  3) He couldn't tell me he loved me unless there was a ring to go with those words and 4) He was going to have to ask my parents.  There may have been more, but those were the most important ones.  They were the rules I had rehearsed since high school, based on dozens upon dozens of books and seminars on dating, courting, abstinence, teaching purity classes...

Danny said that he would agree to them, but he didn't understand the holding hands one.  We probably talked a little bit longer, hugged goodnight and drove home.

We ended up talking about the hand holding later.  I told him I would think about it and decide if that was something that was a go or no go.  After praying about it, I decided that we could hold hands, but not right away.  It had to be a time after we had been courting for a little bit.  He agreed and he waited for the perfect time...but that's another story.